FIC: The Great Picspam Caper (1/2)
17 Feb 2009 07:32 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
promethia_tenkTitle: The Great Picspam Caper (1/2)
Fandom: himym, B/R
Length: 800 for this part
Rating: PG-13 for caper-y fun
Spoilers: Through "The Possimpible"
Summary: Robin is kidnapped . . . for her own good.
AN: This is a follow-up to "Everything" but is also understandable on its own. I would like to dedicate this fic to all the picspammers out there, out of respect for their noble art and appreciation for their great services to the community.
Most women, upon being grabbed in an alley by a couple of thugs in black ski masks, would panic. They would struggle, scream, maybe pass out from fear.
But Robin Scherbatsky was not like other women. For one thing, she prided herself on her resourcefulness and ability to think clearly in a crisis. For another, she recognized Marshall’s favorite rugby shirt.
“Ouch! Guys! Give it up. I know it’s you.” Robin was now blindfolded with her hands tied behind her back and was being frog-marched by the two men down what Robin was pretty sure was the hallway of their own apartment building. She was losing sensation in her arms.
“Who is this ‘you’ of whom you speak?” Ted’s voice was weird. He was trying to sound mysterious.
“Ted, I can smell your hair gel from here! And Marshall thinks this is so cool he keeps giggling.” This last was true. Marshall giggled again.
“I do not know these names. You have never met us before in your life.”
“And besides, Robin, it’s for your own good . . . OWW!!!! Ted!” There was scuffle, and Ted had apparently kicked Marshall—Robin could hear him jumping up and down in pain. “I mean, we are complete strangers to you. We . . . I’ll just be quiet now.”
Ted sighed in exasperation: “We’re here anyway.” They rustled Robin through a door and ripped the blindfold off her eyes.
It was the apartment all right, thinly disguised with the blinds drawn, the lights off, and a couple of sheets draped over the walls and furniture. The middle of the room had been cleared except for an old-school slide projector, a screen, and two straight-backed chairs. Barney was already tied to one of them. He looked up with a grin on his face, clearly enjoying himself.
Robin faked distress: “Oh, no! They got you too? Oh, whatever shall we do? Help me, I’m so scared!”
Barney laughed at his fellow captive’s overwrought sarcasm: “Don’t pretend like the intrigue doesn’t get you off, dollface.” He waggled his eyebrows.
“Well, maybe if it was done properly, but these buffoons bungled it from the get-go.”
“I know, right?” Barney scoffed. “Ted, it’s like you’ve never kidnapped anyone before!”
“Oh, and you have—” Ted trailed off when he realized he didn’t want to know.
“Enough of this!” Lily had appeared in the door to the bathroom in a severe black suit and pencil skirt, hair slicked back in a bun, and towering (as much as she could, given her height) in a pair of stiletto boots. In her right hand she was carrying a yardstick, which she whapped against the doorframe to punctuate her command. Barney jumped in his seat and raised an eyebrow:
“This keeps getting better and better!”
“Shut it, Stinson. This is serious business.”
“Yes, ma’am.” Barney composed himself so as to look suitably contrite and only a little mostly aroused.
“Tie her up,” Lily barked again, and Marshall wrestled Robin into the other chair.
As he worked on securing her, he nodded to Ted: “You’d better disarm her, buddy.”
“What? We took her purse out in the alley.” Ted’s voice was still all gruff and breathy, and unlike Marshall, he hadn’t removed his ski mask. Robin struggled hard to keep a straight face.
“Check her boot leg, dude.”
Ted slipped a hand into the leather calf and pulled out a long, curving blade. His eyes went wide, and he walked away in a daze, holding it with his fingertips, far out in front of him. Lily looked disgusted. Barney looked down at his feet and smiled. And Marshall nodded gravely and knowingly as he took up a spot by the door with his arms folded across his chest.
Ted joined him, having stashed the machete, and the two did their best to look menacing.
“Now I suppose you’re both wondering why you’re here.” Lily was now standing in front of the projection screen glaring down sternly on her captives and slowly tapping the yardstick against her palm.
“No, Lily, the question never occurred to me,” Robin snarked at the same time as Barney gave an, “I’m good,” and grinned back, placidly.
“You’re here because you are both idiots.” Lily paused to let that sink in, and Robin cocked an eyebrow, unimpressed.
“Barney,” Lily continued, “is an idiot for being in love with Robin and refusing to do anything about it . . .” Here Robin’s jaw dropped as her second eyebrow rose to join the first. Barney’s face went from jovial to wounded puppy in 0.2 seconds, and he looked rapidly from Lily to Robin and back to Lily before dropping his head, embarrassed.
“. . . And Robin,” Lily plowed forward, “is an idiot for being either the single most oblivious person ever to walk the planet . . .” and she suddenly seemed to run out of steam, continuing very quietly: “Or one of the more heartless.”
Fandom: himym, B/R
Length: 800 for this part
Rating: PG-13 for caper-y fun
Spoilers: Through "The Possimpible"
Summary: Robin is kidnapped . . . for her own good.
AN: This is a follow-up to "Everything" but is also understandable on its own. I would like to dedicate this fic to all the picspammers out there, out of respect for their noble art and appreciation for their great services to the community.
Most women, upon being grabbed in an alley by a couple of thugs in black ski masks, would panic. They would struggle, scream, maybe pass out from fear.
But Robin Scherbatsky was not like other women. For one thing, she prided herself on her resourcefulness and ability to think clearly in a crisis. For another, she recognized Marshall’s favorite rugby shirt.
“Ouch! Guys! Give it up. I know it’s you.” Robin was now blindfolded with her hands tied behind her back and was being frog-marched by the two men down what Robin was pretty sure was the hallway of their own apartment building. She was losing sensation in her arms.
“Who is this ‘you’ of whom you speak?” Ted’s voice was weird. He was trying to sound mysterious.
“Ted, I can smell your hair gel from here! And Marshall thinks this is so cool he keeps giggling.” This last was true. Marshall giggled again.
“I do not know these names. You have never met us before in your life.”
“And besides, Robin, it’s for your own good . . . OWW!!!! Ted!” There was scuffle, and Ted had apparently kicked Marshall—Robin could hear him jumping up and down in pain. “I mean, we are complete strangers to you. We . . . I’ll just be quiet now.”
Ted sighed in exasperation: “We’re here anyway.” They rustled Robin through a door and ripped the blindfold off her eyes.
It was the apartment all right, thinly disguised with the blinds drawn, the lights off, and a couple of sheets draped over the walls and furniture. The middle of the room had been cleared except for an old-school slide projector, a screen, and two straight-backed chairs. Barney was already tied to one of them. He looked up with a grin on his face, clearly enjoying himself.
Robin faked distress: “Oh, no! They got you too? Oh, whatever shall we do? Help me, I’m so scared!”
Barney laughed at his fellow captive’s overwrought sarcasm: “Don’t pretend like the intrigue doesn’t get you off, dollface.” He waggled his eyebrows.
“Well, maybe if it was done properly, but these buffoons bungled it from the get-go.”
“I know, right?” Barney scoffed. “Ted, it’s like you’ve never kidnapped anyone before!”
“Oh, and you have—” Ted trailed off when he realized he didn’t want to know.
“Enough of this!” Lily had appeared in the door to the bathroom in a severe black suit and pencil skirt, hair slicked back in a bun, and towering (as much as she could, given her height) in a pair of stiletto boots. In her right hand she was carrying a yardstick, which she whapped against the doorframe to punctuate her command. Barney jumped in his seat and raised an eyebrow:
“This keeps getting better and better!”
“Shut it, Stinson. This is serious business.”
“Yes, ma’am.” Barney composed himself so as to look suitably contrite and only a little mostly aroused.
“Tie her up,” Lily barked again, and Marshall wrestled Robin into the other chair.
As he worked on securing her, he nodded to Ted: “You’d better disarm her, buddy.”
“What? We took her purse out in the alley.” Ted’s voice was still all gruff and breathy, and unlike Marshall, he hadn’t removed his ski mask. Robin struggled hard to keep a straight face.
“Check her boot leg, dude.”
Ted slipped a hand into the leather calf and pulled out a long, curving blade. His eyes went wide, and he walked away in a daze, holding it with his fingertips, far out in front of him. Lily looked disgusted. Barney looked down at his feet and smiled. And Marshall nodded gravely and knowingly as he took up a spot by the door with his arms folded across his chest.
Ted joined him, having stashed the machete, and the two did their best to look menacing.
“Now I suppose you’re both wondering why you’re here.” Lily was now standing in front of the projection screen glaring down sternly on her captives and slowly tapping the yardstick against her palm.
“No, Lily, the question never occurred to me,” Robin snarked at the same time as Barney gave an, “I’m good,” and grinned back, placidly.
“You’re here because you are both idiots.” Lily paused to let that sink in, and Robin cocked an eyebrow, unimpressed.
“Barney,” Lily continued, “is an idiot for being in love with Robin and refusing to do anything about it . . .” Here Robin’s jaw dropped as her second eyebrow rose to join the first. Barney’s face went from jovial to wounded puppy in 0.2 seconds, and he looked rapidly from Lily to Robin and back to Lily before dropping his head, embarrassed.
“. . . And Robin,” Lily plowed forward, “is an idiot for being either the single most oblivious person ever to walk the planet . . .” and she suddenly seemed to run out of steam, continuing very quietly: “Or one of the more heartless.”
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 23 Feb 2009 09:43 pm (UTC)Pod-mom! Hehehe.
>Yeah, I do. Honestly, I didn't mind Loretta that much. If it was left to me, I'd keep her alive, but I'm also willing to do a favor for a friend.
*high five*
>And it's been too long since Robin's killed anyone.
You do realise that if Robin starts machete-ing people left and right, AP Barney might start getting a little jealous and a little restless? Hmmmm. ;-)
(no subject)
Date: 23 Feb 2009 10:45 pm (UTC)I dunno, he might think it mighty sexy and want a piece of the action. He does have a bit of an angry streak in him.
(no subject)
Date: 24 Feb 2009 12:57 am (UTC)Have you read . . . ? (Shameless promotion of idioticonion and myself):
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4728432/1/American_Psycho (warning: sick and twisted)
http://promethia-tenk.livejournal.com/1355.html (warning: sick and twisted with tasteless humor)
Murder is always more special when it's shared ;-)
(no subject)
Date: 24 Feb 2009 02:34 am (UTC)Then again, it can't be any worse than some of the old "Last Man Living" dream fics I wrote.
(no subject)
Date: 24 Feb 2009 03:53 pm (UTC)Do. It's amazing. Well, if you're a little screwed up yourself, it's amazing. I read it when I'm feeling down--cheers me up something fantastic.
>old "Last Man Living" dream fics I wrote.
Don't know what that is, but I'll take your word for it.
(no subject)
Date: 24 Feb 2009 05:54 pm (UTC)That's kinda scary and yes I just read it. It both frightened and fascinated me.
(no subject)
Date: 24 Feb 2009 12:50 am (UTC)>You do realise that if Robin starts machete-ing people left and right, AP Barney might start getting a little jealous and a little restless? Hmmmm. ;-)
That seems like a distinct possibility. Maybe he can help her kill Ranjit (I need to kill Ranjit, and I think there should be explosives involved--Barney would like that).
Or, you know, if you've got an idea, please have at it.
(no subject)
Date: 24 Feb 2009 01:27 am (UTC)Bless him.
Die Ranjit Die!!!!!!
(no subject)
Date: 24 Feb 2009 03:55 pm (UTC)Die Ranjit!!! (People will hate me for it, but it must be done.)
Oh, and I will try to have Loretta killed off by Monday, to ease the pain of her official debut.
(no subject)
Date: 24 Feb 2009 04:35 pm (UTC)Much appreciated. I'm sure. :-D